Introduction

This is my second post to this blog, because I am a technological moron I accidentally hit the wrong button and erased my whole first post. It was hard to write the first post now it is going to be even more fun to write it again. Let me first be clear of my intentions, I have nothing worth showing for my life up to this point other than when it comes to physical discomfort and pain as well as mental anguish I have the innate ability to withstand it without jumping off of a bridge. Other than that nothing, but my intent is to hopefully not make anyone who might actually read this fall asleep. I wish that by telling my story that hopefully all I've been through will not mean nothing, that it would actually help someone, maybe even inspire someone to do something worthwhile and meaningful with their lives,I don't think anyone will care to read about this, but hope is all I have and I need to do this. Please if you are feeling depressed and are actually reading this don't give up on me yet, I can actually be quite charming and funny, but what I am having to expose about myself is painful and hard for me to deal with. I once was told that I had the ability to be a writer throughout my years of schooling I would often be praised on this so called ability, I graduated in '06 and have barely written anything since '07. I did not make it through my first semester of college and I cannot hold down a steady job, I have been in remission from IgA for 3 yrs, but tell that to my brain and my body, I am like a tired old woman most hours throughout the day, if I do not have my nap Iam cranky and hard to deal with because I find it difficult to concentrate. I have just recently come off of my anxiety/depression medication Pristiq I am much happier for doing so. There is so much to tell and I am not sure where to begin, I will try to start with why I have named this blog Memoirs of IgA Nephropathy. The reason is in the fabric of my life I had already had many tears from earlier events of illness with myself and in my family but that fateful day on my 13th birthday that's where the real ripping apart of my world began. You see it wasn't the disease that ravaged my body, granted it would have eventually but basically IgA shows very little physical symptoms other than the pissing of blood and not fresh blood either its all brown dead and gross, eventually left untreated IgA can cause renal failure but other than that there are practically no symptoms, it is the cocktail of medications they have to use treat it that completely screws you up and I Kaci Lynn am a living breathing product of what life is like afterwards, my story isn't like one of those nice shiny there is light at the end of the tunnel movies where it is all sunshine and happiness, you make it through the disease and you do something great with your life. I was sick for a long time and then one day I wasn't anymore.
I was informed after a doctor visit in '07 that I was officially at the end of the tunnel, so to sum it up the docs said, "you can go home and be normal now." This is alot of bullshit the light at the end of my tunnel was a bulb in my parents basement where I often hide in torment from my lack of a life or the inability to have a "normal" one. I am not happy with myself and I have always preferred a cloudy day to a too sunny one. This doesn't mean I sit around hating the world I just prefer the stillness and quiet of a cloudy day to the blaring in your face of direct sunlight. When I think of myself I do not see an angry little hobbit who hates the world, I see a girl who is afraid and uncertain of who she really is because the growing years of her life where she learns important social and life skills is a medicated gray cloud and as she looks back on her life she isn't sure who is Kaci and what is a medication induced reaction to a world she could never really be in and now that she can be in it she is terrified and doesn't know how to simply be, but is trying nonetheless.
If I could think of a simple way to describe myself it would be that I love, I love deeply, I am shy and try my best to not show any other emotions to my friends and people I interact with other than simplicity, I try to smile and be funny act like there is absolutely nothing wrong with my life I wear a superman cape and disguise myself so well that only a handful of people that have ever known me knew I was sick but they don't know the true details, it would embarrass me for them to know how much inner pain I deal with on a daily basis that sometimes even getting gas and speaking to the cashier is a struggle for a girl who has spent most of her years alone, dealing with things that no kid should ever have to deal with. I truly find pleasure in making others happy, I am recently coming to terms with that I don't have to try and please everyone and that it is OK to be me. The problem is I am not wholly sure who I am, I have glimpses of myself but all the medication has left me with alot of holes in what I am really like as an individual who is not high off of her ass from the doctors magic white pad.